


Pulling Down Shields

by TheFoolsKnightober (TheFoolsKnight)



Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Category: The Eldest Curses Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Men Crying, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27046063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFoolsKnight/pseuds/TheFoolsKnightober
Summary: Whumptober Day 11 - CryingMagnus Bane has never cried in front of anyone, not since he was a child, but all that might change when Alec enters his life.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947043
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	Pulling Down Shields

Magnus Bane never cried.

The last he ever remembered crying was when he was about ten, when he was all alone in a strange foreign land with no one to help him. Atleast, that's what he told himself.

It was easy to hide his tears. In the darkness of the night when no one looked, behind the veil of laughter, a quick excuse about being tired while rubbing his eyes to stop them from flowing… no one saw. No one noticed.

Magnus never, ever wanted to feel weak, especially not in front of anyone else, but it was extremely hard whenever he was crying.

So he hid his tears, every single time.

But all that changed when he fell in love with Alec.

Alec was maybe the truest person Magnus had ever known. He never put on any masks or facades. Never pretended like he was fine when he wasn't. Maybe he did pretend around his family, but never around Magnus. When they were together, Alec was always unapologetically himself, whether he was laughing with his head thrown back or pulling on a sulky face and a frown. Looking into Alec's eyes was like looking through clear eyes, every single emotion of his bared clear for Magnus to look at.

The first time Magnus had ever seen Alec cry, it wasn't long after the two had returned home after their vacation in Europe, still under the pretense of being on vacation while staying at home and enjoying each other's company. They had been watching an old movie, Alec tucked into Magnus's side, both of their eyes on the movie.

At some point in the middle, Magnus looked at Alec to find a melancholic look on his face.

"Is everything alright, love?" Magnus asked.

"Yeah, I just-" Alec blinked, taking in a long shuddering breath. He sniffles and moved away from Magnus. "I just need a moment."

Alec's eyes flickered up to meet Magnus's briefly, and he nearly reeled when he saw the glossy tears unshed in Alec's eyes. His hand reached out on its own accord, holding on to Alec's. 

"Alexander, what's wrong?" he asked, meeting his gaze head on. "What happened?"

Alec bit his lip, and by now his eyes were turning red, his cheeks flushed as he turned to look at the television and then back at Magnus.

"Max," he said, biting down on his lip in a feeble attempt to stop it from wobbling. "I was just… I was thinking he would've loved this film… and then I remembered."

Alec's face scrunched up, and he ducked his head just as a single teardrop escaped his eyes and ran down his cheek. Something in Magnus snapped, and he immediately moved closer to Alec, wrapping his arms around him. Alec hugged him back immediately, burying his face in Magnus's chest. His shoulders were shaking under Magnus's hands, and Magnus could hear his quiet muffled sobs.

It was... strange.

It wasn't the first time that Magnus had watched his significant other cry, not by any means, but all them were extremely reserved about it. No one had ever opened up to him like Alec just did. None had ever jumped into his arms to seek comfort with no qualms of what Magnus would think, until Alec.

_ How do you do it?  _ Magnus had asked, long after Alec had stopped crying and they resumed the movie, Alec’s bleary eyes fixed on the TV from where his head rested on Magnus’s shoulder, his hands loosely hanging on to Magnus’s arm.  _ How are you not afraid? _

Maybe someday, he’d be able to open up to Alec in the same way.

"Magnus?" 

Magnus looked up from where he was sitting on the bathroom floor, but not before he hastily wiped away any tears on his sleeve. Alec was poking his head in through the partially opened bathroom door, a frown on his face.

Something must’ve shown on Magnus’s face, because before he could say anything, Alec let himself into the bathroom, shutting the door with a click. Magnus’s eyes tracked Alec as he walked across the room to sit in front of Magnus, their toes just barely brushing against each other on the bathroom floor.

“Max?” Magnus asked.

“I left him with Clary,” Alec said. “He’ll be fine.”

“If it’s Clary then I hardly doubt he will be fine,” Magnus joked in an attempt to ease the tension in the room, but Alec seemed unfazed.

He reached out a hand, cupping Magnus’s cheek and brushing his thumb along the lower side of Magnus’s eyes. Magnus could feel the wetness sliding between his skin and Alec’s thumb, a stray tear that he hadn’t wiped away.

“What happened, Magnus?” Alec asked, looking concerned. Magnus had seen that look several times before, whenever he was trying to act fine when he wasn’t, when Alec could somehow see through his act. The look always made Magnus feel exposed in a strange way, as if he had been caught in an implicit act and was expected to give an explanation. But Alec had never demanded one, never pushed Magnus to speak out if he didn’t want to.

Magnus took a deep shuddering breath. If Alec could see through his act, then there was no point in acting… right? The acts always somehow made him feel better about himself, as if he were shielding himself from the world. But surely, with Alec, he could take a risk and lower his shields, right?

He had been weak in front of Alec several times before, but even then he had always held his shoulders high. It took a different king of courage, he now realised, to lower his shoulders and just  _ give in. _

He could trust Alec. Alec wouldn’t see him as weak.

“I’m afraid,” he confessed, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could even reconsider.

Alec frowned a little, but he inclined his head towards Magnus, inviting him to continue. He did.

“When I was a child… I didn’t have the best parents, Alexander. You know that. You know of all people how both my fathers were. And I am scared that I- that I might turn out to be like one of them and-“

“Magnus,” Alec said in a low voice, still brushing his thumb along Magnus’s cheekbone, though now it felt more comforting than anything else. “You’re nothing like your fathers.”

“But I grew up with them,” Magnus said. “And I know it’s been a long time, but- What if somewhere, deep inside, I retained something of them, and I- I try to raise Max like they did to me?”

Alec titled his head, a hint of a small smile appearing on his face. “My father wasn’t the best either, Magnus. And it’s fine because we both  _ know  _ that. We know what a bad father is like. We know exactly what we  _ shouldn’t _ do. You’ll be a great father. I know.”

A smile touched Magnus’s face. Alec relaxed upon seeing the smile, and his hand moved up to brush a few locks of hair away from his face.

“Is that why you were crying?” Alec asked softly.

Magnus shrugged, his gaze falling upon a nearby tile, his throat feeling a little tight.

“I was thinking too deeply, I suppose,” Magnus confessed. “About my fathers, my childhood… about everything I went through. But I’m fine now.”

Magnus took a deep breath, ready to pull his shield back on, tell Alec that he was fine and then usher them both out of the bathroom. But then Alec shifted, kneeling in front of Magnus and hugging him, the scent of sandalwood and the touch of his soft sweater filling Magnus’s senses. Alec’s hands were rubbing Magnus’s back soothingly, and he said,

“It’s okay. You’re fine now.”

Something cracked inside Magnus, spilling a wave of emotions through his veins, increasing the pressure in his eyes and throat. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec, holding on tight, and for the first time in his long, long life, let his tears spill in front of someone else.


End file.
